Thank goodness we are in March. January and February were the worst months of my life. Pretty dramatic statement huh? Well, that’s how it felt. Combined, those two months were harder than the prior December. As you can tell my happiness meter isn’t as high as it should be right now. I’ve had a rough start to the New Year; probably the hardest yet.
I received my divorce papers in the mail last week and it will be final on March 22. No matter what anyone tells you about the pain and heartache that happens when you get divorced, you are still never fully prepared. Regardless of the marriage being bad and toxic, and the spouse and I were fighting all the time and I was miserable – none of that matters. Even my friend, Amy Dresner, who went through a horrific marriage and divorce with someone that she actually pulled a knife on, told me that it took her a couple of years to get through the pain of her divorce. That made me feel a little better.
I knew the pain was going to be gut-wrenching, but I couldn’t stay in bed every morning like I wanted to. I had to get up every day for Bailey (my dog) and for my career. There is no paid vacation for this kind of thing. No PTO for heartache and sadness. I think that’s called a “Personal Day” now. However, my company gives you an extra weeks’ vacation if you get married. I said to our COO recently, “How come there isn’t an extra week of vacation for someone going through a divorce?” She chuckled. I was serious. It sucks and it’s shitty. Great wordsmithing here, but for me, it’s been very hard to just walk away from a relationship that I nourished and protected for almost ten years. Even when it was unhealthy, sad, and hurtful; it wasn’t all horrible. Each day on Facebook, I get my “Memories” and at least one of them is US. Us having a good time on vacation, or eating at one of our favorite restaurants or enjoying a hike with our dog; etc. It just sucks. Each day I focus on what’s in front of me, and solider on. I try not to live in the past of US, and each day it gets 1.3% better than the day before. And then some days, I just wallow in it and roll around in the pain of it all. I hate myself for doing that. I berate myself for being human and being depressed. That’s the worst thing I can do. Loving myself is how I get better each day. It’s been a process, and between my posse, my dog, my career, self-help readers and books and most recently Hot Yoga. I can do hard things.
At the end of January, I saw a Yoga Challenge poster on the wall of the Yoga 6 studio I attend. It was 16 days of Yoga during the month of February, which was 29 days this year, courtesy of a leap year. At this point, I was barely going to yoga once a week and never really loved going. Hot yoga was a game-changer for me in early sobriety and the last few years it fell off my self-care regimen. If I wasn’t going through this divorce, I never would’ve done it. I kept hearing that voice, “do the opposite of what you want to do” that intuition of others was vibrating through my body. I said OK, F it – let’s do this. Let’s get sweaty every other day, sometimes two days in a row, and let me get to know my body better so I can be more comfortable in my own skin and let’s give me humility to be open in meeting new people and to allow me the sorrow I need to release onto that mat each time. Let’s heal and do this. God just kept showing up for me and giving me invitations to do life differently. No matter how many days of tears and tissues – I just kept showing up. This yoga challenge changed my life. I like going now, and I am comfortable crying in class and talking to other Yogini’s and not being focused on that perfect pose. I’m there each time, for me.
I wish things could’ve been different for US, I never wanted to get divorced. That’s why I stayed in the marriage as long as I did. I didn’t want to experience the pain and I didn’t want to be a divorcee in my 50’s. (My birthday is today) I had a severe slap of a nudge from the universe that I had to focus on loving myself more and putting my needs first. This is testing my mental, emotional and spiritual health and so far, I’m getting a B, I’m aiming for an A+ in the next few months. I’m doing the homework I need to. My teacher is you and everyone else that just shows up.