I was sitting with my sponsor recently talking about what I’m going through on a hour by hour basis and how I’m spending my time with others, myself, God and what I’m eating. I’m not eating much and when I do eat, its sugar or starch, definitely not your poster child for clean eating. I did tell her that I sometimes go to McDonald’s for a kid’s happy meal. I’m craving that cheeseburger and fries, and I get a free toy! What else could I possibly need?
I’m in a place of complete surrender right now with God and my sobriety. I feel like a newcomer and it’s been quite uncomfortable. I was feeling like I did when I walked into the rooms, self-conscious, sad, and confused and in a lot of despair. But the flip side to this is that I know it won’t last. It never does. It always passes. I have the tools today to get me through the hard things in life; I just don’t want to use them. I thought I knew what’s best for me, and in reality the only one who knows what is best for me is God, no one else.
I just finished writing a letter to God about why I’m so angry with him. I needed a scapegoat for the anger and sadness I have in my heart today. I’m going through a rough time with my spouse and a challenging family situation and the thing I need the most is God right now, not anger. But my human spirit has a way of internalizing sadness and pushing others away. I want to be alone and I don’t want anyone to help me. Self-reliance has failed me. All these feelings came about because I am not getting what I want. Plain and simple. My head tells me that I feel gipped. I’ve been sober for over a decade, I’ve done all the steps, I do all the prayer and meditation I can and I have been of service; I’m a good solider in the program. So my head is telling me why did I go through all of this work on myself to have to be in this place, again? Oh, welcome to this is your real life where you get to have some heartache. My path in life has led me to where I am today and it’s been a journey. I’ve gained so much more being in recovery than if I was still snorting dirty blow off toilet basins. Yes, the sober life is a much better one. So, I need to dig into all of the amazing spiritual things I’ve learned and used, because they still work for me – If I allow them in. I’ve been edging god out (EGO) in my life recently and it’s not serving me well.
After I wrote this anger letter to God, I felt better. A weight was lifted and today I’m in such a better place. I’ve moved into acceptance and that is comforting to me and I am feeling, dare I say, almost content? Well, that may be a stretch for today. Needless to say, my sponsor, and other women I go to, have been the biggest support to me during this time and have helped me even when I didn’t ask for it. They just show up. Why would I not accept this help? I’m not fighting anymore and moving into this place of being is right where I should be. I had to go through the last few weeks of anger, sadness, selfish thinking, and being ego centric to be where I am today. It’s so cliché, and I hear this a lot in meetings, but it is a Gift. One that I will keep unwrapping to get to that place of contentment. No matter how many hurdles come my way, I’m always one Happy Meal away from feeling better.