Ever since I got sober I have been working the steps, maybe not on a daily basis, but usually with a sponsor and as someone in recovery I’m always trying to better myself. I’m currently on Step 6&7 with my sponsor and we talk a few times a week. I’ll see her next week and we’ll probably do some step work.
Recently, I was invited to participate in a daily 10th step with two sober sisters of mine. It’s a daily inventory sheet you complete at the end of the day and then you email it to each of them and they vice versa. It’s an exercise that keeps me accountable to someone else besides me and God and so far its been great. I’ve been doing it for four days now – come back to me in a week or two!
So, one of the questions on there is “Were we selfish?” and I am finding this to be quite the loaded question. As an Alcoholic I feel I’m quite selfish, about 85% of the time that is. Selfish in that I normally want what I want – and that usually shows up in online shopping, or eating that cookie or chocolate pudding that I shouldn’t eat or getting an extra 15 minutes of Zzzz’s in the morning when I should be at the gym or at a morning meeting – that kinda selfish. Recently though I found myself selfish at the Airport and I’m not sure it’s something that I should even share about as I’m not feeling okay about it, but isn’t that what a daily inventory is for?
We were on vacation last week and flew out to California, granted both flights were connections, so we had to change planes where it was 4 flights total. Each leg of the flight my husband and I cheated on our boarding Zones. We were originally in Zone 4 or 5, but come boarding time for Zone 1 or 2 and we would scoot up in line and board with no issue. Now, mind you we hadn’t done this before when we have traveled and I now feel responsible for the new shortcut. Recently I traveled alone and felt justified in boarding earlier because I didn’t have my husband with me to help with my carry on bag. So, when I got home and told him I cut through the boarding Zones, he kind of laughed it off. Until last week when he said to me at boarding time, “C’mon lets board now”. Instead of putting the brakes on it, I just followed him along like a good little wifey. Like I was entitled to boarding earlier because I’m ME! Clearly I gave him the idea and what’s worse is that I went right along with it.
It’s this kind of thinking that I feel is borderline for me not living a spiritual & honest life. It’s this kind of thinking that could get me in trouble down the road. This blurred line of what is wrong and what is rightwill fester and grow and soon enough it will have me lying about really important things and then soon enough this dishonest living will have me wanting to pick up a drink. I need to put the kabosh on this STAT.
Thank goodness I don’t need to fly again for another month – I’ll be sure to board in my Zone this time and I know I’ll feel much better for it. Thank you to my Daily 10th Step!