Today is Election Day 2020, and it’s also my Father’s 80th Bday. Dad passed away almost two years ago and some days it’s still tough to swallow, but I am reminded – thanks to Facebook – of all our memories and the times I’ve celebrated him, and how grateful I am that I had a loving and present Dad in my life. If you read my Memoir, Last Call, you’d get a better understanding of our relationship and how it evolved, and that no matter what – he was always there for me.
Election Day 2020. This whole post could be about that and I could complain about our country and how unfair the past 8 months have been to me, you, our friends, our parents, our children – but most of all to our country. I still feel like we are living in a Sci-fi novel with no end in sight. And the more real it becomes the more I find myself saying “Is this really happening?” Not just COVID, but the great divide within our country. I don’t like getting political or too involved in the current state of affairs – but this past year has been the worst in decades! It rings true to the 1960s and what was happening back then. I haven’t seen much growth at all within racial inequality and it just really sickens me. I can’t even watch TV half the time.
In all of the craziness that is happening right now – I have to say it feels pretty damn good to be Sober! I don’t have an interest in drinking or using to numb the annoyance and disgust I have for our country right now. I often think “How would I be dealing with this if I was drinking and using?” And since I play the tape through – it would be the same way I dealt with anything before I got sober. More of an excuse to party and do stupid shit and be selfish and blow life and people off. And I’d feel okay about being a bit crazier than normal. It didn’t matter if it was a Tuesday, a Saturday, a Holiday, or my Birthday – it was always the same routine. Drink as much as I can, score some blow and just let the night, or next few days, end up where they may. No plan. No worry about the consequences – just F it and let it ride!
When I think about how I lived like that and still maintained somewhat of a career, I’m literally amazed. I was a high bottom drunk with a recreational cocaine problem. That’s what I told myself. When I got sober at 37, I had no idea how my life would change. I didn’t know that I’d be able to quit drinking and drugging. I didn’t know that I’d become a woman with dignity, integrity, and real thoughts and feelings. I was in such a haze for so long, especially in the last few years, that my lifestyle seemed normal. Next weekend I’ll be going to Malibu with 3 other ladies I got sober with. Two of them will be celebrating 17 years of recovery. One of them is exactly 6 months soberer than me. I love these women and I love that we love to celebrate our sobriety with each other. I just filled out my profile for a dating site app – don’t judge – and one of the questions was “What gets you excited?” Celebrating my girlfriend’s sober Birthday! Although I didn’t use the “sober” word there. I just started on the dating website and find it all very overwhelming and recently blocked my profile. I’m sure there will be a blog post about that pretty soon and how my experience is going there. It’s funny how many men check off the drinking box of “frequently” vs “socially”. I wonder how much is frequently? If I ever went on a dating site when I was drinking, I would have been looking for the “all the time” box – but maybe today that is “frequently”.
I had a four-day weekend this week and it was great. I really like my career but being able to have a long weekend with no real plans in sight was a good way for me to re-charge. I was able to do things I normally can’t do. I led a 7 am AA Zoom meeting, took Bailey to the beach any time of the day, slept in, went walking with a girlfriend in the middle of the day, ran errands on a weekday (which is so much easier than a Saturday) and had that downtime to finish my HBO Max show. I get to go back to work tomorrow and I’m looking forward to picking my frenetic brain and getting back to it. The grind.
Today I’m just posting about my four-day weekend where nothing exciting happened. But all of it was exciting. I wasn’t in a jail cell, I didn’t wake up in a stranger’s bed, I didn’t have a hangover, and I didn’t piss anyone off the night before. Today, I have a little more money in my pocket. I know where my car is parked. I can get up and walk to the beach at 7 am with Bailey, and I love myself a little more than I did the day before. Thanks, sobriety for giving me an exciting long weekend.
(This was written on Nov 3, and posted on Nov 5)