I’ve been having a rough time during the Holidays and every time I sit down to write about it – I can’t. I’m just in a place of angst and sadness (which I’m sure I’ll reveal more about in a future blog post) and my writer’s block is more like the Mexican wall that Trump is building. I’ve added more to my spiritual practice in recent months and that’s been helping a lot. I do want to write my New Years’ post – especially as we embark on a new decade, but for today, I’m at a loss. I wanted to share a post about how I have had to enlarge my God in the past, because it still works for me. This week I’ll be praying for that inspirational 2020 post but until then, I can sit in the stillness and be at peace with who I am today.
When I first got sober I was lucky in that I was okay with the God thing. I was raised catholic but fled from the Catholic Church in my late teens. However, I believed in a God, I just chose not to honor one during my drinking and drugging career. My God was Him, Drugs, Booze, a Job and myself – selfish gal that I was.
So early on in sobriety I asked my sponsor how I should pray, and she told me, “I pray in the shower every morning and just talk to God like you would a friend”. Wow, okay, it can be that easy? So off I went talking to god in the shower during my rinse and repeat cycle. I was also lucky that in early sobriety I had the God experience, where he came to me in a dream and touched me and I felt his presence – so it was pretty easy to believe after that.
At a few years sober, I started forming a larger vision of my God and could go to my local beach in San Diego to meditate and pray and this was a practice I did pretty frequently. It wasn’t until I moved back East to be with my ailing mother that I really had to enlarge my God. But here’s the thing, my life hadn’t hit any major obstacles until that point. I mean, of course, I went through some pain in a couple early relationships and breakups, but I was able to manage those with a lot of support from women and journaling, in addition to some specific step work, so my connection to God improved and got bigger.
So at 5 ½ years sober, I moved back East in January and the Philadelphia area had two major blizzards within days of one another, so that alone wasn’t a warm welcome I was hoping for. I had no job, no money, and I didn’t have my normal sober tribe to support and love me. I was in a dark place and I had to do the tough newcomer thing and share at meetings that I just moved back and I needed women’s phone numbers. They came flocking – like they always do – and slowly I was able to form some solid relationships and during this time I also got a sponsor. I really kicked up my prayer and meditation and soon found myself in a career role that would take me into Center City Philadelphia every day. So that’s where I would pray and meditate, on a SEPTA train! Gone were the days of sitting yogini style at Swami’s beach. Mom passed away a couple years after I moved home, and I can tell you that it wasn’t easy. Even though she was declining, we thought we’d have a few more months with her. So being the only sober one at the services and after luncheon was challenging, but my Mother was one of my cheerleaders and I knew she wouldn’t want me to drink. What a gift that I was able to handle this whole ordeal Sober and it felt oh so good.
Recently we moved back to San Diego and I’m able to fall back into my god consciousness, meditation and prayer ritual. In addition to connecting with new and old friends in the Fellowship. I relish in the beauty where I live as it’s so glorious and love is in the air whenever I’m outside and soaking it in. It’s pretty hard not to believe.
Over the past couple of month’s though life has thrown me some hard-hitting curve balls and my emotional sobriety has been spinning like a merry go round. I need help getting off the ride and step up my program. Because I know it works! I’m now calling two women every day, praying and meditating, as well as journaling in the morning. I am doing yoga again, and know that it’s ok to cry during my practice. I end my day with a written tenth step, as well as sharing with my sponsor, “How God showed up for me today”. I’m learning to fully trust God in all areas of my life, not just in areas I think I can manage. Because I’m a big believer that God will show me what I need to see and he will take care of me, no matter what. It may not be what I want, but I soon find that it’s exactly what I need. So I don’t question anything and just do the next indicated thing and release the outcome. I know God’s got my back.