This past week I was lucky enough to grab breakfast with my friend, Tammi Salas, http://www.tammisalas.com/and a newcomer she knew from her podcast – Sharon. It was such an amazing start to my day and really filled my heart with joy and gratitude. We had just left a Gratitude meeting and every time I leave that meeting, I feel so blessed to be sober and alive and so god damn grateful for all that I do have. For me, it’s still waking up without a hangover, and knowing what I did last night. There are so many things, material and spiritual and emotional that I’m grateful for, however that’s a whole other post.
While we were at breakfast this morning, both Tammi and Sharon spoke about having a yearly word they focused on before they got sober. I couldn’t even imagine that as I didn’t focus on anything, other than myself, before I got sober. I was so impressed that both of these women were so aware of their alcoholism before they even tried to get sober. I knew I had a problem; but I was okay living my life on a rollercoaster and just waiting for the wheels to fall off. Which they did, and then I made a choice to try the sober life thingy. It worked! (Yay!)
Earlier this year, I was lucky enough to attend one of Sasha Tozzi’s http://www.sashaptozzi.com/coaching programs and I had to choose a word. I chose TRUST – as I was having issues trusting the universe, god, my husband, my crazy self and all that was around me. My grip was so tight I couldn’t just let it the F go! Honestly, today it’s still pretty damn tight, but I’ve been loosening it up a smidgen more over the past few months. A lot of growth needs to happen there, but I’m aware and it’s one of my modifications that I’m striving for on a daily basis. Along with half a dozen other items. So in thinking about my word for 2018, I need to go back and reflect on 2017 and really dig in a little and see what was working and what doesn’t. I also need to heed the advice of others; my sponsor especially.
This past year I participated in a horde of gatherings that really helped shape my sobriety even further and it was all about Connection. The one thing we truly are seeking in getting and staying sober. In participating in all of these I was adding more to my recovery story and helping myself along the way. A few things that came to mind this past year; She Recovers-NYC http://sherecovers.co/ AA Women’s Retreat in Julian, Heroes 6K Run http://heroesinrecovery.com/heroes6k/ attending a Refuge Recovery meeting https://www.refugerecovery.org/ Amy Dresner’s Book Signing event http://amydresner.com/and AfterParty Magazine’s “Shit we don’t do anymore” in LA, http://annadavid.com/events/ and of course sponsoring and being sponsored.
In working on my connection with myself and others, there was a constant theme that was coming up. It’s been my core issues; which I’ve barely scratched the surface over 13 years in recovery. The deep goo that comes from all the way inside, down there. The icky stories I don’t like to think about because I cry. The things I don’t want to face because I cry and the people, places and things I don’t want to examine – because I cry. These core issues have held me back in not being able to move forward in my emotional sobriety. They stem back from childhood and go all the way to present day; Trust, Jealousy, Control, Entitlement, and a few others – I’m blocked in these areas and until I can really peel away and face these issues, they will be my wack-a-mole.
So for 2018, I can say that there will be a lot of crying indeed. I’m seeing a new therapist who will be doing EMDR, I’m starting to do attend a weekly breath work practice (which is pretty darn gnarly) and I’m going to be taking many suggestions from my sponsor and others. I need to Heal. That’s my word. 2018 is going to be the Year of Healing.
What’s your word for 2018?