I met someone from the Fellowship a couple nights ago and she was telling me how my blog really saved her when she was going through a rough time a year ago. As happy as I was to hear that, I got honest with her and told her that I haven’t written anything original in weeks for my blog. I’ve basically had writers block and have had no interest in writing and capturing any of my thoughts or emotions. Typical writers block, but does it go longer than 8 weeks ?
My life for a few months was crazy and drama ridden and during that time I could have managed it in a better manner, but no I love being the maker of my own calamity! I had no desire to catch any of this on paper. I journaled very infrequently and very short paragraphs, and I did blog back a couple months ago; but I felt I was too wrapped up in my spin cycle to stop and sit. This is strange, because writing should be my outlet to share all my emotions and share how I’m able to assess and manage them. These were deep, hard, rough edged emotions and I didn’t want to share it with my readers or anyone else in my life. I was dealing with relapse and alcoholism at its height. Not mine, but my husband’s. And what I can tell you is that as sober and sane as I thought I was, I wasn’t. I wasn’t running a great Al-Alon program; even though I was trying to. I went on this tyrant of not believing in my god, and not trusting that there is a god out there who wants the best for me. I didn’t want to engage with most of my friends and sometimes even my sponsor. I was shut down. Lucy and my career were my two main stays through most of it, they were my life preservers in my sinking ship of life. I didn’t want anyone else to hear me talk about it. Again. And Again. And Again. Over the past few years, the insanity of living in real addiction and seeing it happen to someone you love is heart wrenching. The downward spiral happening before you front and center. And I had choices during this time. Each time, as much as I wanted to or as much as I felt I should walk away – I just never could. I love this person.
Today, life is better. After some bottoms that took my husband to another deep bottom, he asked his sponsor for help and he got it. I feel almost whole again. I’m much better than I was 30, 60, 90 or 120 days ago. My spouse is back home and he’s got more than 30 days now and he has two jobs and he’s doing his sobriety journey on his own – well, mostly – I’m trying not to put my hands on it.
What it comes down to is me focusing on me and what I need for me each day. Not what he needs. He’s got his needs met. He has his path. He’s able to see his light. I’m all about seeing my own light. His disease isn’t mine to touch. As my sponsor says to me, God already knows the story, it’s already out there. I just need to show up and do my part. Do the next right thing each day, each moment and keep going forward. I’m doing things I like to do and I’m spending more time on my cyber recovery world. I’m back to praying and meditating and getting some serenity three. The regular career is humming along, I keep on walking and loving Lucy, I keep going to my meetings and calling my sponsor. I continue hanging out with my sober squad and I keep on loving my husband.
At the end of the day, it’s about how much love I was able to give to those around me. I don’t know if the husband will stay sober. What I do know is I’ve had this experience over the past 120 days and I’m a tiny bit more evolved than I was. I feel loved and isn’t that what we all want anyway? To know we are loved. And of course, to have our writer’s block lifted.