Do you know what I’m talking about? I think you do. The actual exercise of going through it – going through something hard. For so many years in sobriety I’ve heard, have what you are having and sit with it and feel it. Which we all know is pain, emotional pain. Pain we’d rather not go through. I prefer to put the quick fix stitch-up on it versus the actual feeling of it. My band-aids are carbs, sugar, shopping, deflection, ignoring and isolating. I had two chocolate chip cookies yesterday, and that seemed to help, for 2 minutes. So the eating issue doesn’t seem to be soothing, not yet at least. Those band aids usually work for me; until they don’t.
So, yes I’m going through it and its hard and it sucks and I don’t want to share it, not yet. It’s more therapeutic for more to write about how I need to go through it before I can share on how I actually did go through it – which will take time.
I’ve been doing some journaling, praying, and talking to others and that helps me more than anything right now. And crying, a lot of that, which is just the worst. The ugly face you get when you cry, and the ruddy complexion and all the tissues – needing the tissues with the lotion. All of that.
I’m moving next week into an apartment that is literally downstairs from the one I’m in now, so I need to shop and coincidentally my Wayfair credit card showed up on Monday – this will help and I can get lost in that for a while.
Getting out of myself also works for a little bit and I can show up for others, whether its a meeting or someone calling me or texting to check on me. I am grateful for that. I’m also blessed that I get to work from home and no one can see how tired and pained I look. I can plunge into my career and get lost into being as productive as I can. I also tend to make it all about Lucy and focus on her sweetness (because it really is all about her anyway). All of these things work too. They give me the minimal respite and relief I need for that hour, that moment, that day. And they will work until I have to do the real spiritual growth of being in that uncomfortable place of having what I’m having and do the real work as they say. I’ve been there before, but it didn’t show up quite like this, nothing has. I will be ok, because I always am, and as Glennon and Brene say, “We can do hard things.”