There are a couple certainties that I believe are true in life. One is how we heal with certain life situations, and the other one is how we deal with death. Some will say these can be very similar, while others think these are vastly different.
I’ve managed both of these in my life. Some have been easier than not. I can say that death never seems to heal completely. I’ve lost my Mom, my best friend and other friends and relatives along the way over the past 40+ years and it has taken me a long time to grieve these losses as they each take on their own shape and transform every day for me.
In the healing of certain life situations; which for me can be a job change, a lifestyle change, the loss of a pet, loss of an era or the loss of a relationship; whether it’s a friend, family member or a partner, I think all have their own organic timeline. In the past year I’ve dealt with some losses. The loss of feeling like a youthful woman. TMI here now for you men, but this past year I entered menopause and I have undergone emotional, physical and spiritual changes due to the vast hormonal happening. I also felt the loss of my adolescence when Prince and George Michael passed on. You may say this is a bit extreme; however, when I listen to those artists they evoke a certain time in my life that was carefree and easy going. No real responsibilities and it was all about figuring out who I was with my HS peers and going through experimental relationships with the opposite sex, drugs and friendships. Trying on what seemed to fit or not fit. This could also be coming up for me as I’m turning 50 in a couple of months and I’ve been feeling quite melancholy with memories that seem to come from out of nowhere and visit me in my dreams and daily living.
I’m dealing with a situation now where I don’t know what will happen. The unknown. The projection of it all, the zillion questions that keep coming up like whack-a-moles. A wise soul recently said to me, “You don’t have to do any worrying because God already knows what’s going to happen; just show up.” Ahhh, yes that sounds great! So easy – just do nothing! However, I can’t help but think.
For me right now I just need to have what I’m having. Sit in the uncomfortable place of being uncomfortable. Do the next indicated thing, which sometimes is just brushing my teeth and feeding Lucy. For normalcy, I’m doing my morning and evening routines – which consist of journaling, prayer, meditation and sharing with another person how God has been showing up in my life each day. I’m working my career job from home (thank goodness for that) and that takes up a lot of space in my head each day. Some days this is the most I can do. Others day I want nothing to do with any of it and I’d like to just lie in bed and watch The Food Network or Bravo. In that order. I don’t want to talk to anyone or visit with anyone or have any social connections. Sounds healthy huh? Although, weekends seem to be much more alive. They are actually the easiest because it’s the weekend, I have to get out! I tend to make plans with a friend to see a movie or meet them for dinner. Weekends are made for socializing, and I at least need to try and be social. I also have my list of weekend chores; food shopping, hiking with Lucy, hitting a meeting – where no one knows me – and watch TV/Netflix as much as I can.
I have to say using a lot of the sober tools that are out there have been a very big help. I’m doing Tammi Salas’ http://www.tammisalas.com and Holly Glenn Whittaker’s, http://www.hipsobriety.com/ 40 Day Mantra, which has been a lifesaver for me each day. It helps me every morning to get a daily mantra in my in box that centers me in the morning. I’m also reading some of my favorite blogs, Sasha Tozzi, http://www.sashaptozzi.com, Carly Benson’s, http://www.miraclesarebrewing.com Miracles are Brewing, as well as a bunch of inspirational posts on others Facebook. Who knew that Facebook really would help!?
Doing life is hard and it gets messy and it has hard edges and some days it’s just so unbearable. Then we get to do life sober, which can be even more challenging. No drugs, booze, or addictive behaviors complete us any longer. However, shopping and emo eating seem to linger on from time to time. Having Lucy has saved me more than not. She needs to go out a few times a day, so I will throw on a hat and a jacket and make my way, gasp – Outside! The air always feels light and crisp and then I realize I am living in my dream town. Life is bearable.
I’m going to be ok. I always am. No matter what. Writing about it also takes the power out of it for me. Thanks for being my powerful outlet for me today.