I don’t know about you, but if you are anything like me you find it rather difficult to live in the moment. One day at a time! Carpe Diem! All we have is the Present! and all that jazz. I know for me, living each day as it comes is one of the hardest lessons I’ve learned in life. I’m a planner. My family nicknamed me “Nanner the Planner.” Seriously!
When people used to come visit me in San Diego, I would type out a 4-5 day itinerary for each day complete with times, places to be, directions to get there, MUST SEE things to do! It was no joke. In the last five years or so, I’ve been trying to learn to live one day at a time more and not live in the past or project out into the future. But shit, that’s freakin hard to do. How do you not stress about retirement when you can’t even get a job in this economy right now? Seriously, explain that to me. Am I to rely on my government to take care of me in 40 years when I’m old and brittle and broke? I would rather invest my money in UFOs than our Government right now.
Have you ever just lived each day and not worried about how you would be able to pay your bills on time? It’s hard to just move throughout your day tackling each task as it comes along. The last couple of years have taught how to live in the moment more. I find myself doing it, even if it’s maybe just a few hours each day, and sometimes that’s enough. I can focus entirely on walking my dog and what is making her happy at that moment. Is it the squirrel that scurries along the walkway as we both race towards it? Is she happy in her own little doggie neighborhood? Does she think about Springtime? Is she happy I moved her 3,000 miles away? I seriously think about stuff like that for my dog. I think that in of itself deserves its very own blog, but for now, we’ll just get back to living in the moment.
I find my mind races all the time about, how am I going to be able to handle this? How will I make my car payment by the 15th? How are we going to care for my ailing mother when she gets worse and doesn’t remember anyone? What am I to do when my dog gets sick and needs to go to the Vet, how will I pay for that? How, how, how???
Lately I’ve been thinking about the past more, and it could be because I’ve moved back home after a ten year hiatus out West. Some of my memories from years past have come back and most of them I don’t like. For me being back in my hometown reminds me of how much I still haven’t done yet; or moreso that I haven’t achieved anything substantial in “society’s eyes”. Not having bought a home, been married, had children — none of those life changing events have happened to me. Maybe its because I’m turning another 40something age in the next few days and the proverbial “What have I done with my life?” question is resting so heavy on my mind. I am sure most people ponder their life more when they have a Birthday coming up. On the plus side, when I do look at my life – I do see life changing events that have occurred for me. Getting sober is probably the most significant; that has changed my life dramatically. I stopped making really stupid bad decisions for one, now I just make bad decisions less. Having Lucy has been my 2nd biggest event – to date so far – and now moving back East after many years out West is coming in as a close 3rd big event….I’m looking forward to seeing what life has in store for me …what will the 4th big event be? But for now all I can do is trudge along, and live each day as it comes…in the moment.